Jared Derrera
Mrs. Boreson
Expos, 6th Period
Over the winter break my friends Jacob Fuentes, Aaron Barnett, Jason Arizmendi and I played the game Left 4 Dead for 8 hours straight. It was the Saturday after Christmas and I wanted to try out my new Xbox 360 with my friends. So we rented a copy of Left 4 Dead and went back to my house. After a couple hours of fighting zombies and screaming like frightened little girls we decided that the next night we would stock up on food, go over to Jacob’s house, and spend the night playing.
The next day was spent in preparation for what was to come. We rearranged Jacob’s basement to get the best playing atmosphere possible, and then headed to Wal-Mart for enough junk food to last into the night. Then the time came to settle into our couches and play. And play we did, fighting countless zombies and dying countless times until we were too exhausted to continue further. I learned a lot of things that night, like experiences are always best when shared with friends, cooperation is a necessity for survival, and that hospitals will never be the same for me ever again. I know that that one night I spent playing video games, eating junk food and just enjoying the company of my friends will be a memory I cherish far into the future.
The best video game narrative I have ever read. I really liked the entire peice, but you still need to edit it aloud to find those mistakes here and there. Also, can you use commas or are you not sure on how to use them correctly? I would like to see you combine a few of your sentences to help with the flow of the piece.
ReplyDeleteAudience and purpose: 3.5
Format: 3.8 heading was wrong
total: 47/50 94%
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ReplyDeleteJared: Your narrative was great. Next time reread your peice. I really liked the begining. Overall you did a very good job. How can you play games for hours? :D
ReplyDeleteI liked the beggining of your story. It was really good. I think you could work on combining more sentences to make the piece flow better. I could relate to your experience because my brother plays video games for hours! You did an overall great job!
ReplyDelete#14
That was very well written in my opinion. The beggining really hooks the reader. I especially related to this because I am a fellow gamer. I agree that you could work on comma usage but wouldn't say that the mistakes took much away from the piece. Also, as a teammate, I must say I don't recommend going off of your diet.
ReplyDelete